The Hidden Obstacles of Parenting from Prison

“But enhancing the experience of children with incarcerated parents does not require a wholesale restructuring of prisons. Most parents in prison desperately want more contact with their kids, hoping to break the destructive cycles they have been caught in.”

I have been a better father in prison than I ever was on the outside. That is not because prison officials make it easy to parent from behind bars but, rather because of what I have learned about myself, parenting, and society since being incarcerated.

In the nearly two decades since I was sentenced to 63 years as an accomplice to murder, I have tried to face not just my own mistakes but the corrosive cultural norms that defined my youth. Conservatives and liberals often debate the role of personal responsibility and social forces in shaping our lives. To understand why I am separated from my children, and how I can make amends for that, I have to look at both factors.

My childhood was routinely chaotic and dysfunctional. Estranged from my biological father, I was raised by a stepfather who personified “toxic masculinity.” I also lived in a neighborhood where drugs, gangs, and gun violence left many of us believing those were necessary to survive.

Most of my adult male role models, including my stepdad, spent little time with their children. Instead, they ran the streets—womanizing, abusing drugs, and selling dope. When my first child was born, the 18-year-old Antoine emulated those same behaviors, never considering the effects on others. In an incident I will always regret, my anger and desire for retribution led me to be involved in a man’s murder. Almost immediately, I realized that the street life I had chosen had not only cost a life but would place a burden on my kids, who would grow up with an incarcerated father.

I could not erase those mistakes, but I could learn to be the kind of father I never had. I read books on masculinity, family, and faith by authors such as Eric Mason, Dennis Rainey, and Gene Getz. They inspired me to become a parent who loved and supported my children, even from behind bars.