Looking Beyond Easy Explanations for Divorce

“Maybe there is something in our environment that makes staying together so hard.”

If one does a simple Internet search of marriage statistics, he or she will discover “strange” and worrisome facts like “couples who earn $20,000 or less argue less frequently than couples who earn $250,000 to $500,000;” or “more than 33% of men and women say they have watched a TV show or movie that affected them so much they considered breaking up;” or “people are more likely than ever to marry into their own class;” or “almost 50% of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce.”

Still, when we divorce, break up, find out we were cheated on—or when we feel stuck in a “single” phase of life for too long—we tend to search for the reasons and answers exclusively, solely in our own selves. Something might have been wrong with our childhood, relationship (or lack thereof) with our fathers; maybe we are too toxic, frigid. Perhaps we need to be more mindful, are not connected with our authentic selves, or are always focusing on the negative. It could be that we are too dramatic, too pressuring, too busy, or maybe out of shape—just anything. But what should we do? Could all the answers be truly only within us? After all, it is unreasonable to analyze romantic relationships, desire, and marriage without the context of modernity and ideology because they are, of course, not only individual but also sociological and economical phenomena. Getting divorced or entering into a romantic relationship in 2020 certainly does not feel anything like getting a divorce or becoming a couple in 1820. Maybe there is something in our environment that makes staying together so hard.

When it comes to relationships, we expect ourselves to live up to the ideals which are—if we look at them closely—nearly impossible to succeed at. In an interview with Sun Magazine therapist Esther Perel mentions: “People come to me because their spouse isn’t making them happy. I don’t think any of our grandparents would have considered that a reason to seek therapy. A passionate relationship in which we ask for novelty and mystery from the same person we look to for security and stability—that is a grand, new invention in the history of humankind.” Even infidelity, she believes, is not necessarily a sign of a failing relationship, and it should not become the reason for a divorce or break up: “If you see adultery only as a symptom, you sometimes take good relationships that have worked well for decades and make them look like failures. I don’t think that’s right. You raised your kids, you buried your parents, you created a home, you dealt with bankruptcy or cancer—and then one of you has an affair, and suddenly we’re going to call it a ‘failed marriage’? It privileges this one event over every other thing that ‘s happened in the relationship.”